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11-15-2025 | feeling: tired
its technically the 16th but im counting this as an entry of the 15th because i haven't slept yet and its 2 in the morning. i have to stop drinking coffee, especially later in the day lol. school has been the last thing i want to do lately which hasn't been great in terms of productivity. thank goodness tomorrow (technically today but idc) is sunday i could not imagine feeling the way im going to feel waking up in the morning the day before i have in-person school. and by that i mean that i know that not being able to sleep this late into the night will have disasterous consequences for morning me that will affect me for like a good 2-3 days. i kind of know why im up right now, i have assignments due tomorrow that i haven't done and its stressing me out. i've had the whole week to do them and i haven't. can you tell that i've been out of my adhd meds for a hot second now lol. i finally remember to email for a refill so that'll hopefully happen on monday universe-willing. i forgot just how bad it was without having my meds, i have no idea how i was doing this in high school
if we're being vulnerable right now, i've also been thinking a lot about the people around me, specifically my classmates/people i see around school. it feels like everyone has friends and it makes me feel like. left out. i mean i'm not a totally friendless person yknow. but i was the only one of my friends who took a (well-needed all things considered) gap year after high school and then went to community college. everytime i (rarely) go on instagram, my friends are doing cool things with their big friend groups of people who also went to school with us at full-on universities. its such a dumb thing to get insecure but i just wish that was me yknow? and it just feels more isolating at my college because it seems like everyone already made their friends, or knew people in their high schools that also go with them there. taking that gap year, while it did absolutely help me take time to figure out what i really wanted out of life, has also made me miss out on keeping together with my other friends i guess. it doesn't help that i absolutely hate social media but instagram the most and also do a hell of a bang up job at self isolating
it's a weird limbo im in i guess as well cause some of my friends that i had i now realize i really didnt like being friends with them, or they were actually bad people that i couldn't recognize in the throes of high school. but they also give me a sense of familiarity, of knowing that we were friends before, so it should continue because that's what im used to. but i dont want to be friends with them at the same time because i now know that some aren't good people, even now. but man do i want to reach out still, to prove im wrong. but then that starts the cycle of catching up, beings friends, becoming distant, realizing that they aren't that great, wanting to reach out again, and on and on and on. i'll admit that there are some past friends that aren't bad people, but because my primary way of communicating with them is through instagram, i really struggle to talk to them. like when i say i HATE instagram i really mean it. i don't know why, it just gives me a weird vibe.
to be fair, i also hate texting. something about having such easy and immediate access to conversation is something i don't like for whatever reason. it feels like you have a constant obligation to be updating and talking to others but i like to keep to myself more (i say as i write a diary entry for the internet to see lmao). i just don't like feeling the anxiety of like. like all your time on there you could start a conversation and sometimes you are but sometimes you aren't, and you're wasting your time not having a conversation? irdfk its also a thing where i much prefer in-person conversations. im able to tell when someone is being sarcastic, able to quickly get info across (i'll admit i do talk a bit fast), and you also get to be with someone you care about. like are you joking thats literally perfect. but i don't like having to set that up via text or social media i just want to teleport to my friends location and hang out. honestly i truly was made for snail mail letters with friends instead of being able to just text them.
i know that all of this makes me a pretty shitty friend though. not keeping up with the lives of my friends like of course i don't have those strong connections like others do, the primary ways of keeping up with them are the ways that i hate and don't want to engage with. i also don't like how. preformative? instagram feels i guess. like every post is always showing the best parts of peoples lives and well yes that makes sense of course you would have to memorialize your best moments, it feels disingenuous in that way to be i supposed. im also not too hot with social interactions in general. i feel like everyone got a manual of how to act but my manual was teared to shreds in a language long forgotten & non-translatable, and was submerged in water so all the text doesn't make sense anyways. that's not to say that i dont "get it right" sometimes, its just that i dont know how to tell when its right or wrong in a sense. so i have my shitty manual and general lack of ability to articulate things without thinking about them for a second and i have to try to have conversations over TEXT? and try to form more solid, genuine connections on platforms that make me want to yell and scream and pull my hair out? yer jokin lad like yer absoluuuuuuutely jokin.
good god this entry was long LMAO SORRY if you got this far i appreaciate you listening to my ramblings im so sorry if theres any misspellings in this (there 100% are). i always tell myself to not trust how i feel about myself after 10pm and yet... maybe all of this is a sign that i should just make a new instagram because the account i've been using is full of people who i have truly never talked to in my life that just happened to go to my high school. maybe, just maybe, i should just do my assignments.